


Pain of Falling Apart

by Lollipop22



Category: Bandom, Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Dom Brendon Urie, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pain, Painplay, Panic Attacks, Physical Abuse, Platonic BDSM, Platonic Relationships, Sub Ryan Ross, Tour Bus, but its not like sexual though, but like as i post each part, its complicated
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-13
Updated: 2019-06-23
Packaged: 2020-03-02 10:51:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,717
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18809572
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lollipop22/pseuds/Lollipop22
Summary: Ryan supposed he should have figured out sooner he liked pain. And it wasn’t even that he liked it. He didn’t get off on it or anything gross like that. It was more that it made him focus, helped him zero in and made him more aware. The part he liked about it was that he couldn’t even pay attention to anything else but the pain while it was happening. He was there, in the moment and nothing else could hurt him because it already hurt. It felt safe, in a sickening way.





	1. How it Started

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone!!! So there's definitely going to be more chapters and I'm so excited for this. It was inspired by a few things I've read recently. I'll be posting the next part soon and I have quite a bit of it written already. Tell me what you think and what you would like to see me do next because I'm always open to suggestions. If you wouldn't mind terribly, I would love some feedback as I'm super new to writing. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this and tell me what you think. Have a beautiful day!

Ryan supposed he should have figured out sooner he liked pain. And it wasn’t even that he liked it. He didn’t get off on it or anything gross like that. It was more that it made him focus, helped him zero in and made him more aware. The part he liked about it was that he couldn’t even pay attention to anything else but the pain while it was happening. He was there, in the moment and nothing else could hurt him because it already hurt. It felt safe, in a sickening way. 

When he was young, he got pain from people close to him. It started with his father. George Ross was a terrible person. An alcoholic since Ryan was born, he couldn’t remember a time when he wasn’t drunk. And when he got drunk, he started to hit. At first, Ryan hated the pain. The way his father slapped him across the face and then kicked him in the stomach seemingly every night made him curl up and cry in his room for hours. So, he avoided being hit. When he was around ten years old, he formulated a plan. The next time he encountered his father, he dodged the hit and ran upstairs, a proud grin on his face. He may be able to do this to me, but I’m strong too. I can get through this. And it worked. For about a week. On the next weekend, when Ryan darted up the stairs, his father didn’t let him go. Instead, he called up, “Ryan! Ya-you absolute disappointment!” His speech was slurred, and the only reason Ryan could tell what he was saying was because he had had a lot of practice. “If you don’t get down here now, I’ll...” the pause made Ryan curious. What could he possibly do that he wasn’t already doing to him? But then his father finished. “I’ll hurt your mother.”

Now it wasn’t that George Ross didn’t hit Danielle Ross. He did, but not as much as he did to Ryan. Ryan was a kid. The black eye could be explained by a stray baseball and the bruises that always seemed to pattern his body could be attributed to his clumsiness. But Danielle was a businesswoman. If she suddenly had a black eye and bruises, blame would surely fall on him. So, he beat Ryan and made Danielle watch. When she cried, and she always did, that was her baby, after all, he threatened to hit him harder. Same applied if either of them ever told anyone. 

So, when Ryan heard this, he called his father’s bluff.

“No, you won’t.” His voice was calm and collected. He was so sure he was right. But he wasn’t. When Danielle got home that evening, he beat her until she was sobbing on the floor. The worst part was that every time Ryan let a tear drip down his cheek, or looked away in disgust, two more blows were thrown at his mom. 

Ryan felt so awful he was physically sick. He threw up until the only thing coming up was bile and then until he was just dry heaving and sobbing. His mom tried to comfort him with soft words of “It’s not your fault” and “Don’t blame yourself” coming through the bathroom door. But they both knew that was bs. Ryan made a choice, and these were the consequences. It was on him. That night in bed was when his perspective on pain took a 180. As he lie there, having what was probably a panic attack, he dug his nails into his stomach in frustration. Suddenly, he wasn’t hyperventilating and panicking, he was focused. The pain calmed his breath and made his heart slow. It made his overactive mind stop and still. He was in control of this. He dug his nails in harder and almost sobbed. It was like a drug flowing through his veins, relieving the adrenaline, giving way to a peaceful sadness.


	2. How New Discoveries were Made

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok wow sorry I forgot about this. But better late than never, right?

The next time Ryan learned something else about himself and pain was soon after the band got together. In the beginning it was rocky. They were all awkward high schoolers with little friends and to add onto that they had just met. One night, when they were practicing, Ryan snapped.

“We’re not playing as a band!” he shouted as they finished a song. “We’re all just playing as ourselves. Sometimes someone is two measures ahead and doesn’t even realize it because we’re all to worried about ourselves to even comprehend what’s going on around us. And no one is listening to each other. We need to know how we all play and sing and count before this can work. We need to know each other better.” 

“Then let’s do that.” It was Brendon who spoke. A bold move. He was new, he had just taken over vocals, and Ryan was pretty sure that out of all of them, he knew Brendon the least. 

“Oh yeah, and how do you propose we do that, Mr. genius?” Ryan knew it was too harsh, but god he couldn’t help it. He was so damn frustrated and worked up about this. He knew what he needed to do. He needed to go home and rake his fingernails up and down his skin until he could breath again. Until his mind could process and work this through. Unfortunately for him, he couldn’t exactly do that now. But Brendon had a better idea. 

“How about we have a competition?” Brendon was looking nervous now. Probably wishing he could take the impulsive comment back.

“What kind?” Spencer chimed in.

“We fight, well we wrestle, and the loser has to reveal one personal fact they’ve only told people really close to them. That way we not only learn more about each other, but we can sorta see each other in action. If you have to pay attention to what the other person is doing in a fight, then we can probably translate that over to our playing pretty easily.” Ryan had to admit this was kind of ingenious. 

“Let’s do it,” he agreed. “Urie, you’re with me first.” Brendon looked a little taken aback at this. 

“Look no offense here, but you’re like a hundred pounds of skin and bone. “

“So what?” Ryan interrupted, “You’re the next skinniest here, don’t kid yourself.”

“Yeah, but I have two older brothers and more importantly, two older sisters. I’ve had a lot of practice, and I’m a little afraid I’ll hurt you.”

“Build a bridge, I’m a lot tougher than I look and someone’s gotta lose.” Ryan nearly spat. He was so done with this kid, and even if he couldn’t beat him, he was sure as hell going to make it hard on the way down. 

“Fine.” Brendon muttered under his breath. So, they fought. And Brendon was right, he was a trillion times better at this that Ryan was. As soon as they started the fight, he threw a punch right into Ryan’s gut and when he collapsed to the floor, he twisted his arm behind his back and pinned the other by his wrist, resting all of his weight on top of him. That exact moment was when something else snapped into place in Ryan. This. This is what he needed. Someone else hurting him, and someone else who wasn’t going to permanently damage him. Because even though he had just met Brendon, Ryan trusted him. There was something about his nature that told Ryan he wouldn’t hurt him. Well, not too much at least. After feeling this type of pain Ryan was sure him just hurting himself would never feel the same again. Abruptly, Ryan was sucked back into the moment with Brendon’s breath whispering in his ear.

He sounded almost sad and regretful when he said, “Tap out. Three times with the hand I’m pining down. It means you give up.”

“Yeah, and what if I don’t give up yet, asshole?” Ryan struggled out between heavy breaths. 

“Don’t make me.” Brendon whispered back so quietly the other two couldn’t hear. 

“Suck my fat left toe.” Ryan whispered angrily. Then Brendon did something to Ryan he really didn’t want to do. He got a better grip on the arm he had twisted behind Ryan’s back and twisted it harder and wrenched it upward and the same time. Ryan could have literally died. The pain flooding through his system was blocking out everything else. The problems with the band, the fact he would have to see his father when he got home, all forgotten with the pain Brendon caused. He felt calm peaceful. And the part that scared the shit out of him was that he liked it. It felt nice. And when Brendon’s hot breath brushed his ear with a, “Tap out now Ross.” He liked that too. He felt his hand smack against the carpet three times, just like Brendon had said, and Bredon was off him, reaching down a hand to pull Ryan up. 

Ryan got up shakily, everything seeming slowed down. He was no longer sprinting a mile a minute to keep up with the world. He was calmer, less panicked, and a little floaty. 

“You alright?” Brendon asked with worry contorting his face. He wrung his and together and stared at Ryan anticipating an answer. 

“Yeah, I’m-I’m good. Just um... yeah.” Ryan stuttered out as he carded his hand through his unruly hair. This didn’t do much to reassure Brendon. He grabbed him by the shoulders and pulled him towards him until they were inches apart. 

He said, “You’re shaking.” Ryan didn’t know how to respond, so he just nodded. “Look at me.” Brendon ordered softly. And Ryan found himself staring at Brendon’s eyes, blinking slowly. 

“I’m fine, really,” he forced out. 

“Alright you two lovebirds, break it up,” Brent ever the comedic relief said. 

“Yeah and you have a personal secret to tell us Ryan.” Spencer added. That night, he told them about his father. He spoke in hushed tones and generalities, but it was the first time he had ever said anything. He swore them to secrecy and trusted every one of them to keep it. They all promised him a bed if he ever needed and it felt nice to know someone cared.

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to comment down below, I'm always open to suggestions and criticisms. :)


End file.
